


The Blade and the Horns

by Demondogweed



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Blood Play, Cole freaking out, Eventual Fluff, Human Cole, Knife Play, M/M, One-Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2015-03-19
Packaged: 2018-03-18 15:02:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3574067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Demondogweed/pseuds/Demondogweed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just because Cole is out of the White Spire, doesn't mean all his issues from that place are gone. When desire for blood and desire for sex combine, the former spirit seeks out the only person who can help him.</p><p>The Iron Bull.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Blade and the Horns

I'm wrong, wrought with wrongness. I tell myself that, and I hope it works. But I still smell the blood, I still feel the ache of want in myself. She saw me, the wounded woman. Delirium dancing behind her eyes, made her like a puppet with half strings cut. She wanted me, oh Maker, she wanted someone to lie with her before her death. To not die untouched.  
  
I tried to tell her no, tried to heal her hurts in other ways. But she -wanted- me, looked -in- my eyes with that wish. I couldn't..I had to run, had to get away. If I hurt people again, they will kill me. That's what they tell me, that's what I want them to do. Better die than be one.  
  
But..I can't shake the desire, it clings to my mind like a burr. Not just with the woman, it finds me in my dreams as well. When I'm not hiding from father in the cupboard, I'm with a woman in the cell. It plays like a painting, only in motion, my dagger in her heart. But then it changes, and I'm with her, -in- her. My dagger is still in her heart, yet she cries out as if it brought her pleasure. It only makes it worse, if I don't wake to her hollers. Those nights, I can hide, wait until my body stops wanting. But the nights I don't, Maker have mercy on me. Nobody has asked of the ruined blankets in the wash, they don't need to know who spoiled them so.  
  
I must find an answer, a balm to this pain. Varric must know! But..can I tell him? I haven't told him the truth, only pieces to placate. He knows I killed the mages, but he thinks I did it with a good heart. No, Varric must not know. Nor Solas, Dorian, Seeker and- Who to trust,then? Should I ask for swift death before it gets worse? No, think!  
  
 One name, one person, I can tell. But he might hate me,too. But he uses scarves and ropes, words to cease the act. Yes, The Iron Bull. I'll ask him.  
  
He's at Herald's Rest, in the corner. As always, but now blessedly alone. I know the ways to get to him silently. But I don't want to scare him, lest he make my efforts void with a hit.  
"The Iron Bull?" I ask, walking to him from the doorway, visible. Telling him I'm a friend with my steps. He turns to look at me, his one eye so small compared to his horns.  
"Yeah,kid. What's up?" he asks, cheerful. But hiding pain, hiding his regret over not regretting enough. I want to heal that pain, but right now I can't. Shame on me!  
  
"I want to ask you a question" a simple statement, easy on my tongue. He says I can, I want to hide and run away then. But I can't, so I ask him.  
"Can a man want blood and pleasure both? At the same time?" my tongue is thick, but I say it still. I need to, I need to know! He looks at me, eye now wide.  
"You look pretty shaken, kid. Where'd you see that? Whose mind it was in?" The Iron Bull asks, of course he doesn't think its me. But I can't hide, not now.  
"My own, The Iron Bull. Wretched and wrong, seeking solace in...that. Blood and pleasure, both"  
  
He is silent, looking around. I can't sense fear from him, but confusion. That's better, I guess.  
"...So, let me get this straight; you don't know what to do with a prostitute? But you have this weird blood kink all of a sudden, and you know what it is?" he asked me, in turn. Why is he so surprised? I told him of her pain, of why I needed to heal it. But I don't voice it,now.  
"It's always been there, The Iron Bull. Since the Spire. Pleasure in blood, of seizing a person with my blade" I say, my voice breaking. I expect pain, a blade or a fist against my neck or face. A quick death.  
I get his hand, on my shoulder. He stands up, worry in him. Echoing all around him, why is he worried?  
"Kid, we should go an' talk in a more private spot 'bout this" he says, leading. I follow.  
  
Private means the room upstairs. Next to where I stay normally. He sits me down on the bed, he sits on a chair that doesn't fit him. But he is not angry, at all.  
"Okay, kid. I need you to promise one thing. Tell me -everything-, even if its hard. An', I know its gonna be hard, but I need to know" The Iron Bull says. And so I do. I tell of the real Cole, I tell of his death in the Spire. Of the time in darkness I hid, of the murders. Not the easy lie the Inquisition heard, of my actions being healing. I tell him of the Darkness, of how it almost swallowed me. I speak until my throat cracks, and have to wipe my eyes. Why am I crying?  
  
The Iron Bull sighs, looking at me. And he -knows-, even though he shouldn't. I..can't read it exactly, it's too muddled in sadness.  
"Kid, you aren't the only one whose got that shit. Seen it before, boy gets abused, boy kills father. Boy takes the sword because he only knows pain and boy grows into a mean fucker because he's always hurting. You just got it second hand, from this real Cole" he says, shaking his head.  
"Thing is, you at least haven't started hurting women to get that fix. That's good, you've still got hope" he adds. I smile, hope. I have hope, he might take it away!  
"How do I stop it? Make it go away?" I ask, voice bright, eager. Then a spike of sadness comes from him, and I know. There is no cure.  
"That's you,now, kid. You can control it, but it's gonna be always with you" he says, I wilt. Am I a demon? Made a monster without realising it? I cover my head in my hands, tears now flowing freely. I can't stop them, they just come. I'm ruined, twisted as Solas said I would be.  
  
The Iron Bull's hand is on my shoulder again, kind and calming.  
"Hey, it's okay. It's a weird thing, sure. But it isn't a bad thing, some people really dig the rush" he says, I look up at him.  
"It's not..bad?" I ask, sniffling. The part of me that has gotten used to the Inquisition chastises me in Cassandra's voice. I should be stronger. Yet, The Iron Bull nods.  
"Yeah, it's not. You just need to control it, an' with you bein' such a sweet kid, I'm sure you'll do fine" he says, smiling.  
"Will you show me how, The Iron Bull?" I ask, eyes wide. He looks at me, blinking. We aren't close, not like me and Varric. Or me and Cassandra.  
  
"Sure, kid" he says, finally. And I'm torn in two ways. Joy out of help he'll give, but also fear. I remember the girl, the last victim I had. I cannot forget her eyes. The Iron Bull interrupts me, lifting me up from the bed. He lies down himself, placing me on top of him. Oh,maker.  
"First of all, the safe word. And no, it can't be 'stop', kid. If I say Vint, you have to stop. You understand so far?" The Iron Bull says, I nod. His hands are so much larger than mine, stronger. I watch as they start removing our clothes. Have I washed recently? I can't remember. I -did- eat three days ago, so I shouldn't be hungry yet.  
My thoughts end, when he touches my... cock. I hate cursing, wasting breath to use such ugly words instead of better ones. But even the best worded mage's mind went to curses as they had sex. I am beginning to see why, and feel why. It feels good, but it stops as suddenly as it started. My eyes focus again, on the Iron Bull.  
"Get your knife,kid" he says, encouragingly. My body feels like lead, but I dig out my dagger from my discarded clothes. I hold it close as I climb on top of him again. I feel like sweating, why am I sweating? The Iron Bull's hand touches my hip.  
"Easy, just do a few cuts at first" he tells me. My body suddenly feels like ice, and moving is harder and harder.  
  
Because I am holding back, afraid. I'm shaking as I tell myself to stop it. I need to let it go and wash over me. Like the darkness, it can't hurt me if I control it. My dagger digs into his hard flesh, not deeply, but I can see blood. My body responds in an instant. No longer shaking, no longer cold. All the thoughts of blood and pleasure, I'm letting spill out. My knife makes clumsy lines, my hand is still shaking and The Iron Bull's hand on my cock makes every shiver an agony. I want to stop, to cease and hide but I must push forward. Past the guilt.  
  
My mouth stops listening to my mind, words floating freely out. Yet The Iron Bull takes control of it, somehow.  
"Are you gonna wreck me, little demon?"  
"Yes, cut, sever, tear, bleed"  
"You wanna see my blood?"  
"Yes!"  
  
It is all too much, all too soon. A burst and not a burn. My hands are bloody as I come in his hand, gasping but cleansed. I find my body lying on top of his, my eyes unfocused. The Iron Bull strokes my hair, careful of all the tangles.  
"There you go, Cole. How're you feelin'?" he asks, using not the title but my name. Am I not a kid to him,anymore?  
"Spent, empty, all the bile pushed out" I manage to say. The Iron Bull nods approvingly, I guess I did good? Then he lifts me up.  
"Now, part two of the lesson, get me that healing salve from that closet" he says, pushing me off the bed. I'm dazed, dizzy, I dance to the closet like a drunk. I get the salve, but I'm not sure why. The Iron Bull tells me to apply it to the wounds I made. I do so, smiling. I'm helping him now.  
"See,kid, you can't just cut someone and then leave them like that. You gotta show them you care afterwards" he speaks, as I apply the salve. My mind is blank, streched too thin too soon. But I don't need it to know I am doing the right thing, I can see I am. As soon as I finish applying the salve, The Iron Bull lifts me again, turning me on my stomach. I tense, is it now my turn?  
  
Instead, I feel his hands move on my back, massaging tense muscles. I don't manage to hold my gasp in.  
"You did good, for now. The next time will be easier" he says, I look up and tilt my head. The Iron Bull gets the gesture.  
"You don't unlearn the bad shit after one time, Cole. You got a lot of dark there in you, it's gonna take a while to redirect it to something better" he says, I simply whimper. Was this not enough? How long will I have to do this?

 

* * *

  
He was right, one time was not enough. The second, I weep and he has to comfort me. The third, I'm shaking still. The Iron Bull is merciless, in that. He pushes me to it, telling me it'll get better. That I will get better, that the dark thoughts will go away.  
  
He lied, it doesn't go away. But it doesn't stay the same, either. It changes, and I with it. Weeks pass, I fight with the Inquisition and my friends on the field against demons. Varric teaches me to write better, Dorian to dress better. The Inquisitor speaks with me often, and I share my thoughts. And every week I'm at Skyhold, The Iron Bull and I repeat the act. It never changes, it starts with the cutting and letting the emotions flow. Then the aftercare, and then a dinner with the Chargers. I didn't like the last part, at first. Or understand it, to be frank. The Chargers are loud, rowdy, and I'm quiet. But soon I realised, I needed to know I was welcome back even after I had cut him. That it would not make me a pariah.

  
As he taught me, I saw what I was healing in him as well. He fears the madness of Tal-Vashot, but as long as he could teach me, it meant he was not going mad. He was still the Iron Bull.  I let him keep it as his secret, though. As voicing it would have made things difficult.  
  
The changes are all slow, like my body healing as I start to eat more. But they still happen, and I learn from them. I read now, to pass the time on missions. I still have my hat, but I now know when to stop wearing dirty clothes and change into clean ones. My words no longer become a mess, on paper or in my mouth.  
  
And as I again tear my dagger into Bull, I'm not grimacing or crying. I'm smiling. He is smiling as well, stroking me. I've meant to ask him if we could actually have sex once or twice, but I figure its best to get over this before anything serious. I still cry out things that Varric would love to use as demon dialog, but I laugh after each sentence. They are now jokes on my lips, dirty talk as Bull calls it. I'm still too sensitive to last for long, but now I simply collapse on Bull, grinning.  
"How are you feeling?" he asks, as always. I don't want to get up, yet. I like lying on top of him, makes me feel like I wasn't a reed compared to him.  
"I'm fine, Bull. A bit tired, but that's normal" I say, smiling as I get up. I can feel his gaze on my body as I get the salve. Even though we've done this a lot, he has started to look at me differently only recently. I let him have it, as a thanks for his help.  
"Well, Krem was right, get some good food into you and you actually start looking like something" Bull quips and I almost drop the salve. Dear Maker, did he just flirt with me? Before, I would have shrunk like a cat and whimpered. Now I just make a choked sound.  
"Y-yes, I'm not starving anymore" I say as I start applying the salve. Suddenly, its so hard to look at him in the eye. So he grabs my face and kisses me, out of the blue. I freeze, but only for a moment. I've seen this happen so many times before, in thoughts and before my eyes. Or the tent next to mine during missions, recently. I answer his kiss, though its clumsy.  
"So, Cole. I think you've gotten past your demons here" Bull starts, poking at my chest with his finger.  
"Yes, I'm feeling so much better now" I stammer. Why am I stammering all of a sudden? He's been getting me off for months and -now- I start to actually feel embrassed? Sometimes I wish I still had my spirit-like ability to not care about these things.  
"Good, I was thinking about trying something new with you. You know, to spice things up" Bull says, grinning and holding me closer. I laugh nervously at him.  
"But I thought we were going to eat dinner?" I ask, trying my best to sound innocent. With Dorian teaching me to joke, that is slowly becoming a lost art for me. Bull laughs loudly, and I shrink a bit. Loud sounds and assassins don't mix. He lets me go, and I dress up.  
  
After dinner, I excuse myself. I need go to the graveyard, to meet someone. Her grave is simple, she was but a soldier after all. But she matters to me now. I couldn't save her, or heal her hurt when she needed it the most. But I can still give her flowers as a thank you. In a strange way, she helped me more than I ever could have her. But my flowers are for the mages in White Spire, as well. I don't want to forget them, even if its painful to know I once almost became a demon.  
  
I look into the sky, spring is coming even here. I have to go to a week long trip at Western Approach tomorrow. If I want to do anything with Bull, I have to start it tonight.  
  
I'll never stop being strange, blurting out things at weird times or stop wearing my hat. I will also never stop finding pleasure in blood and knives. But now I know I'm not wrong or a demon for it. I'm me.  
  
And I'm right as rain.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Holy shit this was interesting to write, especially the difference between the beginning and the ending.
> 
> Some minor details;  
> The beginning is maybe a week after Cole became more human, he is still learning a lot. The ending takes place after few months, so Cole has had time to adjust to his new self.
> 
> I wanted to make this darker, but I'm a total sucker for happy ending for this character XD
> 
> And for once, Cole's dick is not the bomb.


End file.
